A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Two words: blizzard sex
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
