I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
