I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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