Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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