life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
