my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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