my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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