Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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