I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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