Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize