my phone needs a breathalizer
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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