I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
