I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize