Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
