My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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