Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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