I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
