one two three fourrrrnication!
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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