Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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