She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
