On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I had to cum in my sink.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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