My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
