It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
