Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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