I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
