upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
