your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
