Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
