mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
