remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
