Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I need moral support for this bender
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
