I faked an abortion last night.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
