I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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