apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
