beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
