Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
