Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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