I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize