The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize