we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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