i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
