I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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