I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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