Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
