Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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