i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
