i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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