How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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