well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize