I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
