Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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