i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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