Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
