Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
