what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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