I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
