woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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