the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
