her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
